The other day, someone asked us what will happen to motorcycling this year, so we gazed into the 44Teeth crystal
meth ball to reveal the (possible) highlights* of 2015…
January – As most of January is done now, we’ll go straight to February as there’s less to get wrong, therefore slashing chances of a court case. Talking of court cases…
February – Kawasaki has to recall the H2R, as a seemingly lucky customer threatens legal action against the Big K. Being ‘illegal’ for the road because of silly power and excessively noisy for the track, it soon emerges there is nowhere to actually ride the supercharged howitzer. Plus, rumours of the bike leaving the ground at 278mph after derestricting its top speed were found to be accurate.
March – Just before the season opener, British Superbike boss, Stuart Higgs announces a toilet curfew: no cubicle action past 7pm (8pm on set-up days). This strict new ruling joins new-for-2015 control paddock scooters, alongside control tyres, control fuel, control ECUs and control control.
April – MV Agusta reveals plans to release a £100,000 superbike designed by Lewis Hamilton. Dubbed the F4 1000 ‘F1’, it’s believed to feature diamond-encrusted pistons, a seat fabricated from real cats’ fur and a subwoofer under the tank.
May – Meanwhile, back in Italy as retaliation to MV’s work, Ducati reveals the Super-Desmosedici RR SP: a V4 version of the über-exclusive Superleggera. Only those who bought a Superleggy or Desmo are invited to buy one of a limited production run of 50. Uproar as Princes Harry and Will order 5 each.
June – Michael Dunlop wins every single race at the 2015 Isle of Man TT, including the sidecars. June ends with mayhem in the MotoGP paddock: Instead of looking after Valentino Rossi in Assen, Uccio is photographed under the Arcadia stage at Glastonbury festival. Photographs of an intimate ‘J-Lo’ tattoo are leaked. It later emerges it wasn’t an ode to long-term lover, Jennifer Lopez, but in fact Jorge Lorenzo.
July – Red Bull is banned from the KTM factory after it transpires that engineers have been awake for 3 years finding solutions to running LC4 engines on the energy drink. EU and petroleum officials get wind of this factoid and slap a massive tax bill on the CEO’s desk
August – Aprilia plan to host a party in celebration of selling half a dozen 2015-spec RSV4s in England. However, the shindig is cut short, as just around the corner riots erupt due to the Pope punching someone at Notting Hill Carnival. A state of emergency is declared in London.
September – ‘King’ Carl Fogarty is offered a ridiculous amount of spondoolies for a racing comeback. After his success in the jungle, Foggy finds it tough going in the Ducati TriOptions Cup as a wildcard, citing fitness problems as his retirement cause.
October – After translation issues, Honda says the RCV1000R will not be making production after all. Instead, the Fireblade will be tweaked for better ‘mass-centralisation’, plus a few cylinder head updates to improve midrange torque. Just weeks later at the Milan show, Suzuki will announce plans to keep the GSX-R1000 in its current state for another 8 years. ‘Who needs traction control,’ a spokesman said.
November – After being crowned MotoGP champion, Scott Redding decides to retire from the sport and is believed to be setting up a tattoo studio just outside Barcelona. Back in Blighty, Triumph decides to stop production of the Daytona range to concentrate on building adventure bikes. Another 3 Tiger/Adventure models are launched at the NEC.
December – A cartoon of a man who resembles Jesus involved in a threesome and mild recreational drug abuse is published. WWIII erupts and the world ends.
*Of course, none of this will happen, except Dunlop winning every TT and the world ending…