Have you ever had a bike nicked? I have, so I know from experience that it’s one of the worst feelings in the world. The feeling in the pit of your stomach when you discover your bike’s missing is 10 times worse than the biggest kick in the ‘nads. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. If you ask me, motorcycle theft is one of the most heinous crimes in the world. Unfortunately though, neither the constabulary nor the judiciary seem to hold the same view. But if I was in charge of things, there would be a few changes. And I’d start with the sentences dished out to the scumbags that pinch our bikes. Some maybe think capital punishment for bike thieves is too severe. I don’t, and here’s why…
For 90 percent of motorcycle owners and riders, their bike isn’t just the thing they use to get from A to B. They’re a lot more than that. For most of us, our bikes mean everything to us. We love them just as much as we love our kids, and often a lot more than our wives. They are an extension of our personalities. A tangible embodiment of our souls. So when some little scrotum from the shitty side of town decides he’s having it away, it’s not just a minor inconvenience for us; we’re going to take it personally.
Usually, when you’re bikes gone, it’s gone. You’re not going to see it again. You can either take it on the chin or call the insurance company up (if you have a policy to cover its theft). But every now and then the police manage to do their job and get your bike back to you. Although it’s rarely in the same nick as last time you saw it. They’ve probably had to drag the poor thing out of a ditch, all bent and twisted. If the chances of recovering your bike are low, the chances of tracking down the culprit are even lower. Don’t expect to see CIS at the scene of the crime, dusting for fucking prints.
And in the unlikely event that the po-po do manage to identify and apprehend the twat responsible, don’t expect justice to immediately be served. Unless you think justice is a 6 month suspended sentence. I don’t.
I’m not a complete bastard though. I know that some people are forced into a life of crime after difficult upbringings. Plenty have no way of feeding their drug habit, so they need to steal a few bikes every now and then to make ends meet. You could argue that it’s not their fault (although you’d be talking out of your arse). So, in the interest of mercy, forgiveness and understanding, those found guilty of a first offence will be dealt with more leniently. The surgical removal of both hands should act as a deterrent, as well as making it physically more difficult for the convicted motorcycle thief to reoffend. I realise that surgical removal is rather costly and time consuming, and some would prefer the use of an axe, but it’s 2021 for fuck’s sake – so don’t be so medieval.
It would, as previously suggested, be my intention to implement much more severe punishments for those that have been found guilty of multiple thefts. I am, of course, talking about capital punishment for bike thieves. Once everyone knows that stealing someone else’s motorcycle is not acceptable behaviour, there should be no excuse. No mitigating circumstances. In a nation run by me, as soon as you’ve been found guilty, once again, of robbing some poor fuckers bike, that’ll be it. You’ll be taken to a place of lawful execution and dealt with accordingly. And we’re not having any of this death row bollocks, like they do in America. No, straight out the dock and into the electric chair. Do not pass go. Do not collect £200. And definitely do not try and talk your way out of it, because you’ve had it my old son. Game over.
I’m sure there’ll be one or two of you out there that don’t agree with me. Some would prefer to spend millions of tax-payers hard-earned putting these scumbags up in 5 star prisons, with three square meals a day. That’s all good and well but in a couple of months we’ll release them back into the wilderness, ready to nick someone else’s bike. How’s that for justice?
Let’s put an end to bike theft, once and for all. Together, we can beat this.